Movie Review: BREAKING DAWN Part 1

Originally Released: 11/18/2011
Starring: Taylor Lautner, Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, also did I mention Taylor Lautner?
Directed by: Bill Condon
Based on: The novel of the same name by Stephenie Meyer

If you go to the theater expecting this movie to be "good," I really don't know what to say to you other than, Have you seen any of the last three movies? Look, there's basically two ways this is going to go: either it's a manflesh fest during which you spend two hours giggling at inappropriate moments, OR it's boring. I'm happy to report I found this movie pretty freaking hilarious. And RPatt and Stewart don't even act as badly as they did in the previous films! WIN.


"Yes, hello, I'm afraid the prognosis is vampire baby."

Let's recap the highlights! Reasons why you should see this movie on as big a screen as you possibly find, maybe even 3-D:

• Taylor Lautner takes his shirt off in the first five seconds. HELLS YES.
• The homoerotic overtones of Edward only 'hunting' men. LOVE IT.
• Virgin hero reference ftw.
  
• I cried three times. Damn you, weddings! *shakes fist*
• Jacob with stubble! *rowl*
  
• Charlie threatening Edward with his gun (I would also like to thank the women I went to see this with for sighing as loudly as they could whenever Charlie appeared on screen. Team Charlie!)
  
• The headboard scene was totally not a metaphor for what I thought it was going to be. Three words: "Ooops." "It's okay."
• The belly rubbing. OH THE BELLY RUBBING.
• This installment of the Twilight ~*Saga*~ brought to you by: Yahoo! And also: Apple, Inc.
• Conversations in wolf MINDSPEAK. Thank god none of them saw a squirrel.
• Drinking blood through a straw, YUM. Totally reached for my Sprite during that one.
  
• Unnecessary artery and bone marrow shots!
  
• Unnecessary and frankly obnoxious use of bokeh!
• BIRTH SCENE! Okay, so it wasn't as gory as I was hoping it would be (why no blood spray, Condon? WHY), but it was still pretty gruesome.
  
• Renesme grows up to be the Anti-Christ and brings about the Apocalypse! Wait, that's the fan fiction I'm writing in my head...
• The Volturi! You can't have a Twilight movie without them! The one on the right is my faaaaavorite.

Now the real question is, what happened in the second half of this book again? Because it seems like they covered 80% of it already, other than Bella yelling at Jacob because he imprinted on her 10-minutes-old baby. I'm guessing there's going to be a lot more of vampires punching wolves in the snout and wolf MINDSPEAK. Also probably more kissing.